Where to begin? Isn't that the first sentence you write when you dread telling a story? I tell stories about adventure, laughter, jokes, crimes, love moments, gestures, fictional drama, and fantasy. I don't want to write a documentary or a biography; That doesn't really use my imagination. Don't get me wrong, I love reading other people's biography and documentaries; it's just not for me.

My greatest gift is my imagination, the visionary that sees beyond doubt, fear, and pain. The visionary knows that behind the pain lies someone strong, independent, loving, and kind. Someone willing to make a change for herself and the people like her.

This story that I am sharing with you is my biggest childhood wound. Sharing this with you feels somewhat strange because I don't know who's at the receiving end, and even if most of you don't get it, I know there is someone out there who will. 

To you, sitting in a dark room – hidden from human eyes, go out! There are people like you. In fact, there are many of you. I know you don't want to. It hurts. Don't continue this journey; open another door and see where it takes you. 

Explore your ideas and fantasies. Lift them up into the sky and let them shine. Have compassion towards yourself and your abilities. It takes time to explore and discover your talent. Have fun and smile while you're doing it!

I hope I can enrich your life with stories that inspire you! Taking you places your mind has never been before. Helping you see the right path and lead you to the right door. It's always the first one that catches your eye. Don't doubt it. Just open it.

I don't know how many times I have written about being a dyslectic writer, but there are countless drafts stored on my computer over the years.

As a young child, I broke down when I heard the news: "You have dyslexia". 

In 5th grade, I was taken out of the classroom and brought into an office where my parents were waiting. They sat me down, and I anxiously waited to understand what was happening.

The teacher told me I had dyslexia, so I needed to be taken out of the classroom to have adapted education. I also got special treatment homework – much less and much easier than for everybody else.

I know it doesn't seem like a big deal, but it was to me. How would you feel if everyone in your class read Harry Potter and Sherlock Holmes, when you had to read boring and childish books with 4 sentences a page? Sure made me feel damn good! NOT!

I thought I was a dumb child who couldn't learn at the same speed as others, and while that was true, I always thought I could be whatever I wanted – and whoever I wanted.

I decided on whoever and whatever at a pretty early age. I think I was 9 when I wrote in my journal that no matter what happened, I would use my voice and express myself as an actress, singer, and writer. I was going to overcome my shyness and be myself wholeheartedly.  At 18, I became a mom. It was not part of my plan, but my son is the greatest gift of all, and I wouldn't change it for anything, but my plans drastically changed. Instead of moving overseas to study acting with coach Kimberly Jentzen, I stayed with my family in Trondheim and raised my son.

A year went by, and I didn't want to go back to school after maternity leave. I had had enough, I thought to myself. I never found my place in middle school, and when I started 10th grade, my classmates completely froze me out. I don't know why – you have to ask them, but something tells me it had to do with jealousy.

I felt like no one wanted to be my friend. I always walked alone and sat by myself on a bench during recess. Then came prom night, and I dressed up in a ball gown like they do in my hometown Oslo. I entered the hallway in a pink Cinderella dress with a corset and bleached hair with lots of extensions. Everybody else wore short skirts and cocktail dresses. 

People could not stop staring at me! I still remember the look on their faces, like a sudden "What the fuck!" 

After their jaw-dropping stare followed a subtle whisper. I pretended like I didn't see their reaction and looked away.

Before, some of my classmates ran away from me and told people I was a pain in the ass that followed them around like a bee circulating their heads. A few times, I sat down with my classmates during lunch. I thought I was welcome there, but ofc I wasn't: If I had known, I wouldn't be there at all. I would rather have eaten by myself.

The classmates who had earlier run away from me and called me a pain in the ass, suddenly wanted to dance with me!!?? But even if they wanted to be my friend on prom night, it all went back to normal the following day. 

I was sick for 2 years after I finished middle school – dealing with a mentally broken body that wanted to shut down. I almost fainted whenever I showered or went for a walk. I was mentally exhausted, and all I wanted to do was play sick, so I didn't have to go to school. Because going to school hurt me more than staying home in my room – binge-watching series, dreaming about another reality.

I tried 3 different high schools, but I didn't seem to fit in anywhere. At this time, my body was really stressed out, and I had a lot of sick days that left me with few friends at school. After trying really hard to fit in in public school, I finally decided to quit and instead I went to a private hairdresser school. This seemed like a much better idea for me, more focused on the creative subjects. Unfortunately, I was in such bad shape that my body could not physically handle it, after 1 month of standing all day.

My biggest issue was my body temperature. I had cold - and hot sweats all the time. Back then, I didn't understand why, but now I do. 

My body felt like it was in a constant "fight or flight mode," – which is the automated response your body gives you when it prepares to run away or get hurt. 

I have always been creative with my hands, creating art like painting, makeup, hair, and cooking. Since I was very young, one of my biggest struggles has been sweaty palms. I struggled a lot with it when I was going to learn to play the violin and the guitar. My fingers slipped off the strings, and it was difficult for me to hold the chords tight. So singing became my instrument.

My doctor tried to help me by sending me to the hospital to get iontophoresis. It is a treatment for hyperhidrosis — or excessive sweating. It's a process where a tiny electric current is passed through water to your hands and feet, and it shuts down your sweat glands temporarily. 

To maintain results, you have to continue the treatment regularly. It was pretty painful, and the effect didn't last very long, so I stopped the treatment and started looking for other options.

The next thing suggested by the doctor was botox. I never tried it; I felt it was too risky. I need my hands to work properly at all times, and I can't lose sensitivity and mobility just because I don't want them to sweat. I prefer to use glows at work instead, so if you're a customer, please don't be offended if I use gloves when working on your hair and face. It's just for your own sake.

Anyway, when I got sick, my body couldn't handle my body temperature sufficiently, and nobody knew how to help me. My doctor even said: "If acupuncture helps you, you should do that because I don't know how to help you." 

Suppose I had not gotten help from an acupuncturist at Askim Clinic. In that case, I believe I would have developed CFS – chronic fatigue syndrome, a disease that can't be solved with rest, sleep or medicine. You are simply exhausted all the time, and nobody knows why, how to solve it or how long it will take till you get better.

My acupuncturist told me that my body went into high gear even at resting heart rate, and my pulse was too high. It was a destructive pattern that my body couldn't break by itself.

Luckily I escaped CFS by going to treatment 1–3 times a week. I just laid there for an hour or two with needles all over my body. 

My acupuncturist also put me on a strict diet and told me to work out just a little to help with the heat waves. I took my vitamins and ate just healthy foods. The catch was introducing only one new type of food at the time, so I was eating one new thing for a few days, and then I would try something new to build up my tolerance for different types of food.

With all this, my plans to become an actress became a little more complicated, but it didn't stop me. I was going to keep my promise to myself and continue to aspire to be an actress, a singer, and a writer. 

My journey to where I am today has been pretty tricky, and it's not something I like to talk about. I have only one reason for making this worthwhile; I have the power to change the story for someone else. I am not telling this story for me; I am done with it. I have completely tossed it away, but I don't want you to only see where I am now. I want you to know my struggle, pain, and fear. The bad, the ugly – the rise, and the fall.

And by the way; the journey continues – actually; it never ends!

After my mom experienced me being excluded in 10th grade, she created a new concept called PeopleUknow, a digital learning arena to improve social skills in the classroom – aiming to solve the problem of bullying and loneliness for future generations. I wanted no part of it. Many people have gone through worse things than me, and I didn't want to be fronted as the reason why she created this, even if I was.

I told her that the solution to loneliness and bullying was that everybody needed to get to know everybody. If we all really knew each other's struggles and heartaches, we would be more considerate of each other's feelings. Therefore instead of hurting each other, we would help each other. If someone is sitting alone, ask them if they want to join you, instead of turning a cold shoulder, because that could mean the world to them, and it doesn't take a lot from you.

Not everybody is as strong as I am, and this story could have ended with me taking my own life. That's me being very honest with myself. I look back on those old days laying in my room or sitting by myself on a bench during recess, listening to "Mad World" by Gary Jules and Michael Andrews. That I know; the pain I felt was very real and raw. So, I have allowed the pain to resurface through this song … it's the best way for me to show you how I felt.

Listen to the song: 

Went to school and I was very nervous

No one knew me, no one knew me

Hello, teacher! Tell me, what's my lesson?

Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kind of funny

I find it kind of sad

The dreams in which I'm dying

Are the best I've ever had

I find it hard to tell you

I find it hard to take

When people run in circles, it's a very, very

Mad world, mad world

I looked up videos on youtube about other people's stories about bullying. These stories were about young teens who had taken their own lives because of bullying. The one sentence their mother, father, or friend repeated was “If they had just waited until It got better ….”. It wouldn't be this way forever. I heard it repeatedly and decided to wait until It got better, but not everybody waited. 

Many people take their own lives because they can't handle the thought of another day, another year of feeling useless, unworthy, and unfulfilled. Just stuck, frozen – until something simply click. No! The pain had to go away immediately!

I always believed in myself. I always saw my own strength and talent, even if I was scared to show it. I just had to find a way to make other people see it too. Despite living in a country where … where "Janteloven" controls us and tells us what we are allowed to say or think about ourselves – which is to think that were basically nothing. 

      Janteloven translated to English taken from Wikipedia.

1. You're not to think you are anything special.

2. You're not to think you are as good as we are.

3. You're not to think you are smarter than we are.

4. You're not to imagine yourself better than we are.

5. You're not to think you know more than we do.

6. You're not to think you are more important than we are.

7. You're not to think you are good at anything.

8. You're not to laugh at us.

9. You're not to think anyone cares about you.

10. You're not to think you can teach us anything.

I know people were jealous of me in 10th grade. They didn't want me to be popular, so instead, they froze me out. One of my former friends told me that. She even admitted that she didn't want to be my friend, because she thought I could be more popular than her. Honestly, you guys, fuck Janteloven, fuck not telling the whole truth, because I just did, and there is no shame in that!

Why can't I just say they were jealous? It's normal to be jealous of others in middle school. Unfortunately, it is also normal to have mean girls and bullies around you at school. It can destroy someone's life, so be mindful of your actions.

Say “I am great!”, say “I am talented!”, say “I am worthy!”, say “I am beautiful!”
– because you are, and you shouldn't have to be humble about it!

I haven't experienced the worst type of exclusion or bullying, which is why I used to think I shouldn't tell my story. I believe now that it's crucial that we all tell our stories – otherwise, we end up feeling like we're alone – fighting this battle all by ourselves.

I said to NAV (The Labor and Welfare Administration in Norway) that I don't want to have a typical education; that is not for me. I can't go back to school because I have to protect my mental health. 

When I got to my meeting with NAV, they had this opinion of me that I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life ... when all I did was to tell them exactly what I wanted. But apparently, I needed help to figure it out? They sent me off to a place called Euroskolen (a subcontractor of NAV), so they could help me figure it out. 

While you can list your education or profession on NAV as a model, actress, author, etc., you are still not expected to choose a creative path. Note to NAV: Don't make it an option in your forms then!

What they accomplished at Euroskolen: They made me more unsure of myself – doubtful of my ability to conquer my disorder as a dyslectic. It still makes me angry to think about it now because I have everything I need to succeed. I just have to work a little longer and a little harder, and If that is what I desire, let me do it!

"She just wants to be famous."

They judged me as a youngster who just wanted fame and wrote, "She just wants to be famous," it said in my report. I swear; I could have hit the wall! I was so humble as any human can be when asked questions like: “Do you think you are better than others?” “Do you have any experience as a singer, actor, or writer?” “Have you ever taken any singing lessons?” 

I was 18 at the time. I answered “I would never think I was better than anyone, and we are all talented in our own way”.

"I have taken private singing lessons, and I was in a choir when I was younger. I have taken a few acting classes in Los Angeles and in Oslo. And I have been writing lyrics for years, but have not gone to any course yet." 

"If you're not better than anyone, how will you get a part as an actress?" "Everyone has been in a choir when they were younger, but that doesn't mean they can sing." 

The following questions and comments felt like an interrogation; "How many courses were there, and how long did they last?"

"Your acting lessons can't even make up two weeks of practice.” You can't make an actress, singer, and definitely not a writer with just those classes combined. You have dyslexia, and you can't even write your own resume. If you are this creative person you say you are, why haven't you written it on your resume?"

"I just find it difficult to write like that about myself. It feels like bragging. I have never written a CV before, and I don't know what it should say. I know I don't have enough experience yet, but I will study."

Who can blame me for not knowing what to write on my resume? Our perfect society taught me not to brag, to be neutral – and not to think I was something.

"You were bullied, you said, maybe you were the problem – not them? Have you ever thought about that? If you went to all of those schools, perhaps you were the problem! Maybe it was just gossip behind your back? That is not the same as being bullied."

I went home crying after that conversation. How can a grown woman, whose job is to support people going through a rough time, even be allowed to have such a position?

The following week I had to take a test to prove that I could "stand on my own two feet" – an expression they used – where I had to prove that I could become what I aspired to be – with a personality test. My head, arms, and legs had to be “secured tight”, and I sat down and answered the many questions. 

The day after, I went back to get my results. The guy responsible told me; "You will be successful if you have your head, arms, and legs and that you have! You will be successful!”

"She can't be a writer; she's dyslectic!" 

my consultant raised her voice at him. "Well, there are writing programs to help her with that," he replied.

Even if the guy responsible for the test did nothing else but show me that I was right, my consultant at Euroskolen told me I was wrong.

This is what I have to say to anyone who thinks this system works:

NAV doesn't support single parents who want to work in the creative field. There is no need for us, no jobs available!

NAV supports single parents who want to be nurses, doctors, teachers, etc. Nobody questions or doubts their ability to be one of those occupations, because we need them in our society. 

How often have you met a doctor, nurse, or a teacher who never should have been one in the first place? 

There are plenty of people working in these fields who don't know how to talk to kids, for example. It should not be about how many people we need in these fields, but rather about what quality they can offer in their job.

Let's make it fair for all of us. Nobody gets questioned or has to take a test, or everyone has to – regardless of their choice of profession. 

Shouldn't people get support if they pass the test like I did?

I had to pass the test to prove that I was capable. The test said, "I was," but that didn't change a goddamn thing! I was still just this person who wanted fame, so what was the point? What did we get from this extra testing, other than making me doubt myself?

Mental health has never been more talked about, and we must take better care of each other as human beings. I would not have been happy working in another field. I could get a job, but I wouldn't be happy about it or good at it.I would probably quit and start working somewhere else that just remotely reminded me of what I wanted to do in the first place. 

Single parents are forced to do this, because otherwise they can't pay their bills. The only way I managed was because I had a family that fully supported me, but it shouldn't be necessary. I would not be where I am today if it wasn't for the support of family and friends who believe in me. Not everybody has that, so I know I am very fortunate.

I wanted to come out here and tell my story, so someone like myself can find it, read it, and know they are not alone. 

I don't want you to think I don't value these other professions. Being a nurse, doctor or teacher is great, but we need everyone. Every profession is needed in a society.

You can be a really talented salesman, teacher, or librarian. It's your field and something you have mastered! You don't need to be an actress, singer, or writer to be talented or famous; as a matter of fact, you can be famous in whatever field you aspire to be. 

So; don't give me that bullshit of wanting fame. I want to do what makes me happy and make a living out of what makes me happy, so I can continue to do what I love. Because what am I if I can't be myself wholeheartedly? That's the bottom line.